Sunday, November 28, 2010

What one should bring when attending an adult-only party...

Every couple of years, one of my horny friends decides to throw a sex toy party which I always feel *obligated* to attend. (I see you rolling your eyes!) It's the ultimate girls night**, with yummy fruity cocktails, lots of amazing finger foods, nervous laughter, inappropriate jokes (me) and touching (me, again), demonstrations (not me!) and the exchange of funds for goods. Being a little deviant, I offered to make a cake.

Tell me? What the hell was I thinking? I HATE making cakes! But, since I opened my big mouth and couldn't back out without looking like a huge schmuck, I pressed onwards. I wanted to do some kind of kinky jacuzzi tub cake with nakedness that would shock the ladies. A couple of years ago, I made a camping cake with a "lake" made with jell-o, so I used that same basic technique.

The run-down:

  • The CAKE is Betty Crocker, from a box. No brainer! I doubted that anyone would want to eat this thing, so I wasn't going to bake from scratch and cross my fingers that it would be OK.

  • The TILES are Mike & Ikes candies.

  • The PEOPLE and ACCESSORIES are gum paste.

  • The "WATER" is jell-o. Prepared after assembly of the people, with a hope and a prayer!
The assembly:

Followed all cake ingredient directions with two 8 inch round cake pans. Frosted the layers, cut out the hole for the Jacuzzi, then crumb coated the entire cake and set aside. Later, frosted the cake, smoothing out the sides and top. Attached candy tiles.

Making the people sucked! I've never used gum paste before and it's tricky stuff. (And, BTW - tastes disgusting!) I found the gum paste in the cake decorating section of Michael's Crafts. $10 bucks for a 10 oz. bag. Some tips I picked up the hard way: 1. Keep the bag sealed, because it dries out fast! To tint the paste I used basic food grade food coloring and kneaded the paste until it was colored to my satisfaction. My hands were the color of the rainbow for a day or so afterwards - so 2. use plastic gloves or be prepared. 3. Make sure that you position your figures how you would like them to dry, otherwise you have to start over.

I tried to be as anatomically correct as possible. At least when it came to the nether-regions! I mean this guy has no head hair, but a very nice package if I do say so myself!

This lady was a little more demure, I decided.

Add your figures to the cake, using icing to prop them up if needed. Prepare jell-o according to the instructions. Let jell-o cool slightly, and gently pour into the iced cake hole. If you are not gentle, you'll get bubbles. If you get bubbles, just pretend that your figures are farting. :)

I am the first to admit that this cake, although hilarious, it's very amateurish - but really, who cares. There's penis and vagina and ass and boobies! Looking back, I should've tinted the paste that I used to make the people so that they had somewhat of a tan. Poor little sculptures were very, very white! I'm just happy that the whole thing made it to the party without a major cake'tastrophy and that it made all the ladies giggle.

**To all the boys out there, sorry...these parties are so much more fun without your participation - just sit back and hope that your woman receives a package in about 6-8 weeks.

Creamy Potato Gratin

When I think of my ultimate comfort food, I think potatoes. Mashed, with lots of sour cream and butter and a lake of thigh-hugging gravy on top. Baked with (more) sour cream, chives and REAL bacon bits. Roasted new baby reds with a sprinkling of olive oil and salt and pepper.
Pardon me while I wipe the drool off the front of my shirt....

Hats off to my friend Lisa who didn't balk when I proclaimed "I'm going to try a new recipe on you. I hope it works."

I've had a lot of really nasty Gratin potatoes, mainly from my mother's kitchen - god bless her non-culinary heart - so when I came across trying to make them myself, I was a little leery. Nothing kills your proposed food coma like half-done potatoes, or separation of the cream, or dry spots. However, if you do try this recipe (and please do!), you will see that they are fool proof and super easy, and so tempting that you may heat them up for yourself for breakfast the next day. (I can not be the only one!) What I will NOT promise is how calorie laden they are, but you know...all things in semi-moderation.


1 lb russet potatoes

1 cup each of whole milk and heavy cream

1 garlic clove, minced

1/2 cup of white sharp Cheddar cheese, grated

1/2 tsp grated nutmeg* (optional)

3 tbsp breadcrumbs (Italian or plain)

3 tbsp Parmesan cheese

salt and pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 9x9 inch Pyrex baking dish and set aside.

Peel and slice potatoes to 1/4 inch thickness, either using a
mandoline or a steady hand. (I have a mandoline, but I am terribly afraid of it because I almost sliced my finger off, even though it came with a hand guard.)

Combine the sliced potatoes, milk, heavy cream, garlic, nutmeg, salt and pepper in a large saucepan. Simmer of medium heat for about 8-10 minutes. Watch your saucepan, because you do not want to pick up the mess if it boils over! The potatoes will still be firm when pierced with a knife. Remove the potatoes from the heat and add in your grated Cheddar cheese, stirring to melt.

Pour entire mixture into your prepared baking dish. Combine the breadcrumbs and Parmesan cheese and scatter over the top evenly. Bake in the oven for 30 minutes until the top is golden brown and bubbly. Remove from oven and allow the Potato Gratin to "set" for 5-7 minutes before service.

Can you believe that there is no butter in this recipe?!

*I use freshly grated nutmeg in all of my creamy based dishes because it provides just a hint of something in the background that I really like. If you only have store-bought nutmeg, pre-ground, omit. The flavor just isn't the same.